Big sigh (followed by even bigger sigh)

Lately I've been listening to a lot of blues music. A lot. Me and Nina Simone are kindred spirits.

I don't run marathons but I've listened to long-distance runners describe this feeling of autopilot that kicks in somewhere around mile 7 or 10 or something. Your legs just are in the habit of going through this motion and it's almost more natural to keep going than to stop. The runner is just along for the ride, disconnected from the work of the legs and feet.

This is the longest, most challenging marathon I've ever run - this road to my child. I'm long past the excitement and unsullied optimism of the first time Robert and I seriously discussed the prospect of adopting our child. I'm through the agony and uncertainty of the home study process with all its invasive questions and endless forms and hoops. I've gazed in awe and with love at the first photos of my beautiful son, we've readied the nursery and gone through our To Do list, celebrated Leo's impending arrival with friends, bragged about him, dreamed about him, and even watched him on a DVD! I'm well into this marathon. Lots of water under the bridge. And we keep going and going, waiting and waiting, and trust me, my mother knows I'm not particularly patient. I hate the waiting and yet the waiting persists and is what I'm used to. It would be surreal (though wonderful!) to actually have Leo here.

It seems it won't be anytime soon. Today I e-mailed our very nice social worker to press harder for word on why Leo is almost 9 and a half months old (heart sinks a little ) and we still have no information on his processing. Has his paperwork, I asked hopefully, even been submitted in what is known as "a batch" to the Korean government for approval? Her reply? The "current batch" (meaning Leo is not even in the current batch! - heart sinks a lot) has been sitting in the government for over a month. She added that currently the South Korean government is doing an audit of all of its paperwork - yes a paper audit right now, during our adoption process - I could curse like a sailor (and, trust me I have) just typing this. So if the current batch has been in the government for a month and isn't approved and Leo isn't even in that batch, I'm seriously depressed because that makes me think Leo won't be here until nearly his first birthday. I'm beyond words about this. I hope my anxiety is getting the better of me. Robert and I know and talk about how lucky we are and feel to have the privilege of raising this lovely little boy and how, in the scheme of life, a few weeks or months don't change a lifelong relationship. Yet today, I just want to have my baby with me, not half way across the world.