I never knew how much fun it would be to decorate a little boy's room (since I never had one :). We've finished painting the nursery and it's ready for the wall border that will divide the blue and green. That's on the To Do list for today. We're doing a Safari theme (with a sports twist). The border and bedding and details will feature lions and elephants and monkeys, etc playing football, soccer, baseball, and so on. Sounds funny but it's awfully cute. Mostly, it's just Robert's excuse to add elements of the Eagles and Phillies into our little guy's room and the excuse I need to buy all kinds of adorable things that I want to play with. Let's just get it on the table. I can't wait to do all the things I did as a kid again!
On the paperwork front, about a week and a half ago we learned that the Korean government has finished processing the first part of Leo's paperwork (yay!) and it is now with California Immigration Services, who we are told take 4-6 weeks to approve the paperwork. Then it goes on to the US Visa folks, since Leo won't be a citizen officially until about 9 months after his arrival on US soil. There are also a few final steps involving the US Embassy and Leo's passport. We have no specific sense of when he will be here - it could fluctuate depending who's on vacation, for example - other than to continue to say sometime in the fall. But we know things are in process and that's as much as we can do.
Now on to my rant. I was at a baby shower yesterday for a good friend, which was lots of fun and a beautiful way to celebrate her impending bundle of joy. Toward the end of the shower, I thought, "Wow. This wasn't so bad." See, when you have gone through experiences with infertility and miscarriage, it's no easy thing to watch a commercial selling diapers or Gerbers, let alone go to a shower where the main topics are breast-pumping, stretch marks, and swaddling. But given where I am on my own journey and how excited we are that Leo is our son, I knew I could handle this party and genuinely celebrate my friend - and I did.
And then it happened: the dreaded consolation prize comment. Sure, it starts out innocently enough. And surely it's meant that way. Women of all ages and stages make it and, despite it's insidious nature, it's said with good intentions and smiles. That's what makes it so devastating.
So toward the end of the shower I overheard one guest telling another about a friend of hers who had adopted. And I thought, "How nice of her to share that," especially since she was telling the story in a way that indicated she thought it had an extremely happy outcome. She continued, "So she adopted, and then," the guest said with tremendous emphasis, "she RELAXED, and got pregnant with 'a baby of her own.'" And they all lived happily ever after - ugh.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard this story come out of the mouths of friends, family members, acquaintances, colleagues, and perfect strangers. It's as if to say, "Don't worry, just because you had to settle for an adopted child now, doesn't mean you won't have a biological child that is truly yours. Once you adopt, you won't be stressed about having a baby anymore and, you'll see, you'll get pregnant and have what you always wanted, a baby of your own."
Now, most people don't say this quite so directly (though some do), and I understand such comments are made with good intentions, but there's not a single person I know who is adopting a child that is not outraged and hurt but such comments each time they are shared. When people say, "you need to relax" and then you won't miscarry or struggle with infertility, it's like they are blaming the woman for the situation, something she is already doing to herself inside. When people say, "you'll have a child of your own" in reference to a biological child, they are projecting their own feelings and not so subtly implying that an adopted child is a second choice, rather than a second avenue to parenthood. Would I have planned to go through this process when I was envisioning being a parent? Not really. Does that make Leo any less my son, any less "my own," any less special in my world? Absolutely not. Bottom line: if you're thinking of sharing a "happy story" about someone who adopted and then had "her own" children, think twice. Every adoptive mother in the world has heard it and, trust me, never wants to hear it again. Ever.
Phhheeewww. That felt good. Nothing like cathartic venting to get the day started. So I'm off to put the wall border up and continue preparing the nursery for our special little guy!
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